...Than Tell Him I Love Him

I've debated writing about this for a long time, a hell of a lot longer than the 4 day life of this blog. It has proved nearly impossible to get these words out of my head and onto the page without some sort of emotional breakdown.

I think I will always love Josh, because of and in spite of his flaws. I love him because of who he is, who he isn't, who he could be, who he pretends to be, and who I make him out to be. I love him even more when it seems like I can't have him. My heart aches when he tells me the things I want to hear, either completely unaware of the consequences or maybe because of them. There is absolutely no way he is unaware of my feelings, they're so obvious and in your face. I think he ignores them because he doesn't feel the same way about me, or he just knows that a relationship with me would never work so he just avoids emotion around me at all costs.

Josh took up residence in my heart from the beginning, and no matter how much I beg and plead, he won't leave. He's planted a flag and claimed that territory as his own. Josh works at a big talent agency in Los Angeles but spends most of his workdays online playing games, or talking to people. I used to be one of those people, but I'm not so much anymore. He's originally from New Jersey, but one of those wealthy towns where no one has the unattractive accents. He studied art history at Boston University, and then put his degree to absolutely no use when he moved to LA to become an agent. He has an extremely unique and sarcastic personality, and he has absolutely no fear about telling you what he's thinking. The conversations we had would just flow from one topic to the next, with no awkward pauses or forced small talk. He is unbelievably smart and well read, he knows what's going on in the world and can talk about it, anytime, any place. He has a completely different outlook on life than I do, and I loved the way he would challenge my perceptions and encourage me to think differently. He has cystic fibrosis, which means that his life will probably be substantially shorter than the average persons, something that never seemed to bother him as far as I could see. I loved everything about him.

Somewhere around last October we lost contact, my fault, not his, and only started talking again in the last couple of months. From the beginning it wasn't the same. I wrote him this long, heartfelt letter, pouring my heart out and telling him absolutely everything I had been thinking and feeling. Well, I guess not everything. I stopped short of telling him that I love him, and thank god I didn't, because it was awkward enough without me saying that. He was more distant than he had ever been before, and it seemed like he didn't want to talk to me. It's two months later and we're in a better place now, but not by much. Any conversation we have, except the one where he was begging me for topless pictures, is short and full of random small talk. Then one of us leaves and a week later we may have another half-conversation.

If you're wondering why I can't tell him I love him, then you obviously haven't been listening. I know his reaction wouldn't be what I want so I'm going to save the heartbreak and just let that love live inside of me forever, and hope that one day it will either go away or I can give it to someone else. I hate sounding all hallmark card, summer chick flick, cheesy romance novel on you, but I've let these thoughts fester inside of me for long enough. I really hope that writing them down will take the weight off of my mind, at least somewhat. I have changed his name, but not any of the details about him, so I hope he never reads this. Oh well, that's what he gets for not loving me.

I Would Rather Sleep Forever...Than Tell Him I Love Him