...Than Let You Change Me

To be irreversably damaged by previous relationships at the tender age of 18 isn't something you wear as a badge, a symbol of something accomplished. You don't even wear it, you live in it. It manifests as the walls I've built around myself, 20 feet tall and bulletproof. Sometimes I'm caught off guard and something makes a dent in the armor, but it never sticks. My threshold for emotional turmoil, regarding men at least, plateaued a long time ago. I find myself feeling less and less.

I can blame two men for this. I'm not sure if it is entirely their fault, maybe I would have turned out like this regardless. But the whole what if...track just gives me a headache so I'll focus on the cards I'm holding, not the ones I could have been dealt.

Jesse - I was 13 years old when I met him, and he was 19. He took pride in thinking that he was corrupting me. It was my first relationship, if it can even be called that, and I made all the rookie mistakes. He walked all over me. Actually it would be more accurate to say that he drove all over me, backed up and drove over me again. Repeat, repeat, repeat, for about 3 and a half years. It was a hard habit to break. I knew that he loved me so going to him was an easy, safe place to hide whenever I was feeling down. My parents hated him (hmm...wonder why) and on some level I know I wanted to prove them wrong, change their opinion. Eventually mine changed. Maybe I just stopped loving him. Maybe I grew up and realized that I never loved him to begin with. I don't really know what it is. It could be a bit of both. I don't hate him, I just don't care about him at all anymore. Hate implies emotion. Indifference is as unemotional as you can get. He broke my heart more times than I can count, with his lies, his games, his complete and utter bullshit. It hurt like hell and I thought I would never heal, but in reality it did make me stronger. I'm not a passive, meek, submissive little girl when it comes to men anymore.

Malcolm - I don't even know where to start with him. He's 20 years older than me, something I didn't know for a long time. He's also married with an infant daughter, two other things I didn't know. It was never love. It was an obsession built upon a mutual need for unconditional affection. We both wanted someone to care for us in spite of..... As his obsession intensified I pulled back and it came to a climax about two years ago when I didn't show up for our flight to Mexico. I knew I was never going to go, I just needed to get through to him somehow, since words weren't working. It worked, although only temporarily. He still emails me randomly, messages me sporatically, loves me occasionally. I know that I am the light at the end of the tunnel for him, leaving means trapping him in darkness. He teeters on the brink of a dangerous obsession, something I realized when I read his online diary, 48 (I think) posts all about me, how much he loves me, wants me, needs me. It's a superficial need, it doesn't go beyond skin deep. Besides never wanting to be with someone who was cheating to be with me, there were a million other reasons I didn't want him. I let go a long time ago, but I let him rope me back in so many times before that I think he assumes he can do it again. He can't.

In case you were wondering, those are their real names. Fake names are to protect the innocent, and they are anything but innocent.

I can't pinpoint the time when I really started to change, but it has been extremely noticable in the last couple of months. I take on the traditionally male role in the relationship. I'm unemotional, unattached, noncommittal, jealousy-free, monogamy-challenged and indifferent. Maybe it's just a defense, a way to protect myself from heartbreak. I can say that I am definitely happier now, now that I'm doing the using instead of being used.

I Would Rather Sleep Forever....Than Let You Change Me