It's The Waiting That Kills

It feels like years have passed in the last four days. Every single second of my days are punctuated with the constant train of thoughts running through my head, morbidly predicting my future, the outcome never good. Even if I could shut off my brain, or put it on mute for an extended period of time (like forever), my symptoms are there to remind me. A constant tapping on my shoulder, a whisper in my ear "You have it. You definitely have it. Oh man is this gonna suck." This wouldn't bother me so much if it was some come and go illness, like mono, but knowing that if the tests come back positive - positive for who exactly? - I will be diagnosed with a lifelong illness, makes me enter the highest level of panic attack.

I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday, most likely to be followed by bloodwork, and a few more days of agony in the form of waiting, and then the results. I just want to know. It really is the waiting that kills.

I Would Rather Sleep Forever...